I will die if light touches me.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
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