When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
