i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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