Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
