sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
