I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
