i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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