She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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