after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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