i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
