How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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