I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
