Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
