Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
