Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
