apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
