so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
