omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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