I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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