Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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