If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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