it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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