your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
