I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
