i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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