Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
