dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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