My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
