stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
