he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
