she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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