Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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