Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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