Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
