it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
