I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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