Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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