fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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