I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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