I puked a lego.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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