I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
