You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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