I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
