My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
