the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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