You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
