I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she peed on how many people?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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