It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
