take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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