We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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