woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
