Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize