What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The power of my boobs compel you
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
