I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
