even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
