I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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