for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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