I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
