All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
