sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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