i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
