we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
