paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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